file under L for Lost
#4
(03-06-2015, 05:13 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles

a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
 
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line

on the cistern
 
heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour
Very well written, I especially like the enjambment in the first stanza and the double meaning of 'off'.
My only question would be in the last stanza and whether gravity can be described as heavy. Technically speaking the answer would be no, but I found this in the urban dictionary "Heavy Gravity Pocket" so you may be using it in a sense that I am unfamiliar with.

I really enjoyed this, thanks for the read,

Mark
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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Messages In This Thread
file under L for Lost - by just mercedes - 03-06-2015, 05:13 AM
RE: file under L for Lost - by Leah S. - 03-07-2015, 12:55 AM
RE: file under L for Lost - by just mercedes - 03-07-2015, 04:08 AM
RE: file under L for Lost - by Magpie - 03-08-2015, 01:23 AM
RE: file under L for Lost - by just mercedes - 03-08-2015, 02:50 PM
RE: file under L for Lost - by just mercedes - 03-08-2015, 03:45 PM
RE: file under L for Lost - by tectak - 03-08-2015, 05:35 PM
RE: file under L for Lost - by just mercedes - 03-09-2015, 04:39 AM
RE: file under L for Lost - by crow - 03-11-2015, 06:06 PM
RE: file under L for Lost - by crow - 03-12-2015, 12:28 AM
RE: file under L for Lost - by just mercedes - 03-12-2015, 04:05 AM
RE: file under L for Lost - by lacan123 - 03-12-2015, 12:01 PM
RE: file under L for Lost - by Leah S. - 03-16-2015, 06:09 AM



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