a few things stand out with this poem dale. it's not your usual style, it full of cliche, and the vernacular doesn't go far enough. it's also a bit wordy in places; wordy can work in the speech parts but maybe the narrators parts could be less so. (the none speech parts being told to us.
i think this sort of poem has to have some cliche in it to make it current [specially if it's about the subject of a wannabe gansta poet]
that said some of the clichés feel to obvious and overstated.
Michael Green – edit 0.01 (title change)
Had a friend name of Michael Green, for me the comma could be moved to [had a friend,]
he was hung up on Henry Miller.
He liked to write verse obscene no need for [he] is verse obscene a form or is it yoda speak, i'm asking because i'm not sure.
and wanted to be a gangster poet; is [and] needed?
long before rap this line works well on it's own line it juxtapose poet and fake gangster
and gangster wannabees
who put out a lot of fairy tale crap; is [a lot] needed?
no real life too them. fairy tale sort of intimates this fact so is this line surplus to requirements?
Michael and me, we paid our dues, this is one of those clichés that feels a little to obvious if you tell how this was achieved and in what context it takes it out of the generalised mundane
how can you have done that this and the next two lines weaken the line above.
when your eighteen
and got nothing to lose?
You haven't lived long enough;
you haven't learned the dance,
or have a gun shoved in your face [had]
and shit your pants:
come face to face with embarrassment. it feels like you want to say fear here but realized it was cliche. embarrassment feels a little weak. a suggest would be anger, something that's often a by-product of fear.
Michael would say,
"How ya gonna write?
When you only play it safe:
still too afraid of the night.
You don't wanna get dirty:
don't want to get sweaty: wanna [keep it in character]
you haven't learned to see beyond yourself
and your world is so tiny and petty. this line reminds me of thor [sorry]
How ya gonna write if ya haven't died a suggest would be to move died to the next line
some… at least once? this [died some]is cliche but this works well enough to keep
Cause if ya wanna write somethin' bout life, cause should have a comma in front of it or else it works as cause as in cause and effect.
ya gotta die a little first.
Only the dead can write about life,
only the dead have the thirst.
So don't give me no crap, kid,crap kid without the comma in between
trying to talk with some other writer's voice.
I know you're too young; no need for i know. or too
you’ve got no choice.
So pay your dues;
learn from life and listen to me.
I’m a man grown - of twenty-four;
your still just a know nothing kid. no need for still
Com’on, hang with me.
I’ll teach you how it is."
Now, you don’t need no grammar,
no punctuation, no caps, this is poetry man.
If someone tells you different don’t listen to their crap
and then… the and then sort of makes me feel or at least makes me think that someone's talking crap and that possibly the poem is more a parody of would-be-poets. [i know i'm wrong but it's what i feel]
©2002-2015 rev
______________________________________________
all the point a use are suggestion to be dealt with how the poet sees fit
i think this sort of poem has to have some cliche in it to make it current [specially if it's about the subject of a wannabe gansta poet]
that said some of the clichés feel to obvious and overstated.
(03-06-2015, 08:39 AM)Erthona Wrote:
Michael Green – edit 0.01 (title change)
Had a friend name of Michael Green, for me the comma could be moved to [had a friend,]
he was hung up on Henry Miller.
He liked to write verse obscene no need for [he] is verse obscene a form or is it yoda speak, i'm asking because i'm not sure.
and wanted to be a gangster poet; is [and] needed?
long before rap this line works well on it's own line it juxtapose poet and fake gangster
and gangster wannabees
who put out a lot of fairy tale crap; is [a lot] needed?
no real life too them. fairy tale sort of intimates this fact so is this line surplus to requirements?
Michael and me, we paid our dues, this is one of those clichés that feels a little to obvious if you tell how this was achieved and in what context it takes it out of the generalised mundane
how can you have done that this and the next two lines weaken the line above.
when your eighteen
and got nothing to lose?
You haven't lived long enough;
you haven't learned the dance,
or have a gun shoved in your face [had]
and shit your pants:
come face to face with embarrassment. it feels like you want to say fear here but realized it was cliche. embarrassment feels a little weak. a suggest would be anger, something that's often a by-product of fear.
Michael would say,
"How ya gonna write?
When you only play it safe:
still too afraid of the night.
You don't wanna get dirty:
don't want to get sweaty: wanna [keep it in character]
you haven't learned to see beyond yourself
and your world is so tiny and petty. this line reminds me of thor [sorry]
How ya gonna write if ya haven't died a suggest would be to move died to the next line
some… at least once? this [died some]is cliche but this works well enough to keep
Cause if ya wanna write somethin' bout life, cause should have a comma in front of it or else it works as cause as in cause and effect.
ya gotta die a little first.
Only the dead can write about life,
only the dead have the thirst.
So don't give me no crap, kid,crap kid without the comma in between
trying to talk with some other writer's voice.
I know you're too young; no need for i know. or too
you’ve got no choice.
So pay your dues;
learn from life and listen to me.
I’m a man grown - of twenty-four;
your still just a know nothing kid. no need for still
Com’on, hang with me.
I’ll teach you how it is."
Now, you don’t need no grammar,
no punctuation, no caps, this is poetry man.
If someone tells you different don’t listen to their crap
and then… the and then sort of makes me feel or at least makes me think that someone's talking crap and that possibly the poem is more a parody of would-be-poets. [i know i'm wrong but it's what i feel]
©2002-2015 rev
______________________________________________
all the point a use are suggestion to be dealt with how the poet sees fit