03-06-2015, 12:15 AM
Hi, this seems very cluttered and somewhat disjointed as regards the several the images and I'm finding it quite difficult to get anything solid from it.
I know that you haven't called it a haiku so I won't critique it as such but I notice that you have used the 5-7-5 structure that many people use when writing haiku. It is the common belief now that 17 syllables is about 7 syllables too long when writing these 'ku' and I think that in some ways your 'ku' has suffered from the need to include those extra 7 or so syllables.
If you were to use just one image, like a snapshot of a moment in time and then work around that. Whereas yours is difficult to know if it is a few images from different periods in time. Also with yours it is difficult to know whether each new line is separate or if the image continues from the previous line, for example, is the harvest moon grey and is the osprey flying above green shoots.
I do like the image of the osprey and I also like the harvest moon and although I hesitate to offer any suggestions for fear that I may misinterpret the meaning or intention of your poem; a possible idea could be something like.
osprey
rising above -
a harvest moon
This is not my suggestion of how your poem should read but rather a way of combining a couple of your images into one compact snapshot.
I know that this is only the short poetry forum so apologies for going on quite a bit. Hope this is of some use.
Thanks for the read,
Mark
I know that you haven't called it a haiku so I won't critique it as such but I notice that you have used the 5-7-5 structure that many people use when writing haiku. It is the common belief now that 17 syllables is about 7 syllables too long when writing these 'ku' and I think that in some ways your 'ku' has suffered from the need to include those extra 7 or so syllables.
If you were to use just one image, like a snapshot of a moment in time and then work around that. Whereas yours is difficult to know if it is a few images from different periods in time. Also with yours it is difficult to know whether each new line is separate or if the image continues from the previous line, for example, is the harvest moon grey and is the osprey flying above green shoots.
I do like the image of the osprey and I also like the harvest moon and although I hesitate to offer any suggestions for fear that I may misinterpret the meaning or intention of your poem; a possible idea could be something like.
osprey
rising above -
a harvest moon
This is not my suggestion of how your poem should read but rather a way of combining a couple of your images into one compact snapshot.
I know that this is only the short poetry forum so apologies for going on quite a bit. Hope this is of some use.
Thanks for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie