03-05-2015, 08:32 AM
tomcrocus, I love that this is a poem most everyone can relate to! It seemed to reflect the fairly common conversation we have with ourselves when forgetting.
A couple points: The meter was a tad confusing for me, particularly the last two lines - for me, it would have worked better without the word "just" in "just can't remember". The use of the word "remember" three times throughout the poem was a little much for me. It was not quite repeated enough or used consistently enough to become a firm part of the poem's rhythm, but it was used enough to draw attention to its repetition.
Anyhow, great job!
A couple points: The meter was a tad confusing for me, particularly the last two lines - for me, it would have worked better without the word "just" in "just can't remember". The use of the word "remember" three times throughout the poem was a little much for me. It was not quite repeated enough or used consistently enough to become a firm part of the poem's rhythm, but it was used enough to draw attention to its repetition.
Anyhow, great job!