03-04-2015, 03:46 AM
This year I'll grow no greenhouse envy; no green at all,
no ruby fruits, no piercing darts of piping chillies, no eggplants
pendulate and purple breasted. Not even one great, golden star Aside from being overkill and not applying, I would definitely leave "breasted" in. Maybe you could work undulate in there, after all it rhymes. "pendular"adj - "pendulate" verb
will burst, anticipating pollen; no zucchini without my hand. A four line list ends, how sad. Artfully done though.
Winter holds no happy promise, its quaint demise a silent death. How so, quaint?
There will be no wake to follow, no joy-filled pots or feast to come. No wake for winter, a double entendre?
Instead, the lichened lights are shaded. Unfettered feet Nice alliteration, but do you mean the lights are dark? Or do you mean they are shaded by the lichen? Were the feet once fettered, and what purport does mentioning this fulfill?
of creeping things greys out the glass, still cracked by autumn gales. This creates no useable image for me.
Old frost-clear tracks, tell-tales of slugs no longer threatened,
blaze in bands of sun-crisped slime. The summer star will shine benign I will praise you for the rhyme, as I assume you are awaiting it. A single summer star, not summer stars, or the summer triangle? You evidently have knowledge I lack. Or is this a shoddy reference to the sun?
on bare and barren cedar staging, littered with sharp snail-shell shards;
all victims of the killing days when sulphur fumes combined to acid "combined to acid" Is that possible?
and black-tar fluid, watered white, obscured the fragrant panes.
If only there was one more season, one more potter, one more yield;
then I would take my chitted set and cut it into sighted slivers, "chitted?" My three dictionaries and I are unfamiliar with this word.
dip in dust of saffron yellow, dibble but a hand-depth down, Dust not "saffron" imply dust? "dibble" should be footnoted
into the mulch of ages. Then gently lower, cover over,
scoop up ramparts all around; each mound a living grave.
Volcanic life lies waiting, waiting...but not for me. I will be gone. "Volcanic life" does this refer to the minerals in powered pumice? Probably needs footnoting
The shoots might stir me in my sleep, they in their bed, me in mine;
but I will plant my Salad Blues...before the winter leaves.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
This is a slightly better ending, as the last one I read made it seem as though the speaker was dead and buried and that the grave was his bed and why the shoots would stir him. Also him being dead would be the rationale for why none of the above was getting done.
I think I understand that
"sulphur fumes combined to acid and black-tar fluid, watered white"
is some kind of cleaning solution, however the way it is written seems completely bizarre and fails in its task to be descriptive.
I think this is a good idea and works well as a vignette; the failing in the poem is that a number of the phrases do more to confuse than to enlighten. I look forward to a more clarified solution.
Dale
Oh yes, for got to mention: semicolons, usage of.
I think I see the problem with the following, because the transitional phrase is implied but not stated, thus making the use of a semicolon valid. Attend.
"This year I'll grow no greenhouse envy; (in fact) no green at all,
no ruby fruits, no piercing darts of piping chillies, no eggplants
pendulate and purple breasted."
I might suggest the use of "or" for "and" as the two sides of the "and" do not seem balanced. Thus:
"no eggplants pendulate or purple breasted."
Just a thought.
no ruby fruits, no piercing darts of piping chillies, no eggplants
pendulate and purple breasted. Not even one great, golden star Aside from being overkill and not applying, I would definitely leave "breasted" in. Maybe you could work undulate in there, after all it rhymes. "pendular"adj - "pendulate" verb
will burst, anticipating pollen; no zucchini without my hand. A four line list ends, how sad. Artfully done though.
Winter holds no happy promise, its quaint demise a silent death. How so, quaint?
There will be no wake to follow, no joy-filled pots or feast to come. No wake for winter, a double entendre?
Instead, the lichened lights are shaded. Unfettered feet Nice alliteration, but do you mean the lights are dark? Or do you mean they are shaded by the lichen? Were the feet once fettered, and what purport does mentioning this fulfill?
of creeping things greys out the glass, still cracked by autumn gales. This creates no useable image for me.
Old frost-clear tracks, tell-tales of slugs no longer threatened,
blaze in bands of sun-crisped slime. The summer star will shine benign I will praise you for the rhyme, as I assume you are awaiting it. A single summer star, not summer stars, or the summer triangle? You evidently have knowledge I lack. Or is this a shoddy reference to the sun?
on bare and barren cedar staging, littered with sharp snail-shell shards;
all victims of the killing days when sulphur fumes combined to acid "combined to acid" Is that possible?
and black-tar fluid, watered white, obscured the fragrant panes.
If only there was one more season, one more potter, one more yield;
then I would take my chitted set and cut it into sighted slivers, "chitted?" My three dictionaries and I are unfamiliar with this word.
dip in dust of saffron yellow, dibble but a hand-depth down, Dust not "saffron" imply dust? "dibble" should be footnoted
into the mulch of ages. Then gently lower, cover over,
scoop up ramparts all around; each mound a living grave.
Volcanic life lies waiting, waiting...but not for me. I will be gone. "Volcanic life" does this refer to the minerals in powered pumice? Probably needs footnoting
The shoots might stir me in my sleep, they in their bed, me in mine;
but I will plant my Salad Blues...before the winter leaves.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
This is a slightly better ending, as the last one I read made it seem as though the speaker was dead and buried and that the grave was his bed and why the shoots would stir him. Also him being dead would be the rationale for why none of the above was getting done.
I think I understand that
"sulphur fumes combined to acid and black-tar fluid, watered white"
is some kind of cleaning solution, however the way it is written seems completely bizarre and fails in its task to be descriptive.
I think this is a good idea and works well as a vignette; the failing in the poem is that a number of the phrases do more to confuse than to enlighten. I look forward to a more clarified solution.
Dale
Oh yes, for got to mention: semicolons, usage of.
I think I see the problem with the following, because the transitional phrase is implied but not stated, thus making the use of a semicolon valid. Attend.
"This year I'll grow no greenhouse envy; (in fact) no green at all,
no ruby fruits, no piercing darts of piping chillies, no eggplants
pendulate and purple breasted."
I might suggest the use of "or" for "and" as the two sides of the "and" do not seem balanced. Thus:
"no eggplants pendulate or purple breasted."
Just a thought.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.