03-02-2015, 03:25 PM
The "fractions" is a fine rhythmic repeat; leave it on the same line!
The "/" is what makes it gimmicky.
"Guttural street mongrel" is double cliché with sugar on top, ack ack ack
uncap granny
"her two halves like two kinds of luck;"
is wonderful
drop these (no need to explain the beauty of the above line):
"we always walked on dark streets
just in case"
great line, wow, yum:
"how we spend them is the hum
of secrets never shared"
just go from poems to crows:
"The fragments of poems, the murder of crows,"
powerful stuff, no need to fill in the progression
beautiful:
"when they lift to (with?) ease into other trees"
cliché:
"to break the hoary silence of winter,"
wow:
branches black thick on white
fractions of life
it takes all the time left in the world
just to catch our breath
The "/" is what makes it gimmicky.
"Guttural street mongrel" is double cliché with sugar on top, ack ack ack
uncap granny
"her two halves like two kinds of luck;"
is wonderful
drop these (no need to explain the beauty of the above line):
"we always walked on dark streets
just in case"
great line, wow, yum:
"how we spend them is the hum
of secrets never shared"
just go from poems to crows:
"The fragments of poems, the murder of crows,"
powerful stuff, no need to fill in the progression
beautiful:
"when they lift to (with?) ease into other trees"
cliché:
"to break the hoary silence of winter,"
wow:
branches black thick on white
fractions of life
it takes all the time left in the world
just to catch our breath
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions