Stoking The Dream Machine

[billy]

raw and spontaneous seldom equates to good poetry unless you're a very gifted poet. for me. this poem is overly wordy. there are 6 [ing words as part of the rhyme scheme. the word choices are weak. [what is a grown up child? ] what is [their share?] [and now are] do you mean [and are]? the end and some parts in-between are forced. there are some good images in the poem re the circus acts but they're buried under a wall of small spontaneous [the's] etc. a reasonable meter would help a lot. [needs fuckin working on] just spontaneously entered my mind