03-02-2015, 11:21 AM
Revision is much better! It look me a while to get the "...ylum." part, but I think that's because I was thinking too hard into it. Only other thought I had, and you can feel free to disagree with me on this, is ...
/An/ occasional visitor bows his head
but rather,
/The/ occasional visitor bows his head
I feel like it would make more sense, given the lines after it. Ideally it would be "One of the occasional visitors", since it isn't just anyone, rather a character. But then the line is too long and mucks it all up. So my thought was just 'The occasional visitor'.
This is just personal opinion nitpickyness, of course, rather than serious critiquing. Just feels better.
/An/ occasional visitor bows his head
but rather,
/The/ occasional visitor bows his head
I feel like it would make more sense, given the lines after it. Ideally it would be "One of the occasional visitors", since it isn't just anyone, rather a character. But then the line is too long and mucks it all up. So my thought was just 'The occasional visitor'.
This is just personal opinion nitpickyness, of course, rather than serious critiquing. Just feels better.