Backlit Nature

[Rogue Yun]

Hi -- please don't think I'm being too hard on you.  There are definite signs of promise here and some of your images are lovely, but you do make a few errors in execution that are quite easy to fix once you acknowledge them.  

The first and most obvious is your overuse of alliteration.  Some, subtly, is sublime... but tongue twisters tend to torture!

Secondly, rhymes are tricky.  It's really best to either use all true rhymes (skin/spin), or all half rhymes (tuned/bloomed), rather than mixing them up as you've done.  This just makes it seem like you couldn't think of the right word, and whether that's the case or not, it's the final effect.  If you decide on true rhymes, there is always a rhyme available -- although sometimes you just need to change your original wording.  Poets can never become too attached to individual lines or phrases.  

I presume this is a poem in opposition to dependence on technology, especially mobile phones.  I can tell this only from the last line.  The poem would benefit from more contrast throughout, rather than just leaving it to the end where it feels a little flat.  As it is, we're basically just reading through descriptions and no matter how beautiful that might be, it's not enough to keep our attention.  Please do continue to work on this though -- there is a good poem in there waiting to emerge.  Very few people are absolutely amazingly perfect first go without any editing. 

Thanks for reading and replying!  And I do admit that though i LOVE alliteration, there is such thing as too much.... And as for the rhyme scheme I hadn't known the difference between full and half rhyme, so thanks you for enlightening me... I will work on this!

I'm new, and I will use that as my disclaimer. I think the last line is fine personally and I didn't think it felt flat. It adds a certain amount of shock value that draws the readers attention that I feel hits the message you are conveying solidly. But, I am no expert. I would say that I agree that there should be something more in contrast throughout the poem. I have written similar poems on similar themes (none I think as good as yours) but I think it is important to make moral poems like short sturdy lengths of chain. Each stanza/line binding to next. Well done! I would be glad to read more of your poems.