03-02-2015, 01:53 AM
(03-01-2015, 03:49 AM)tectak Wrote:I thought I might have used the older version...but I swear it was the one at the top of the thread. Oh well.(03-01-2015, 02:14 AM)Leah S. Wrote: I felt an urge to paraphrase this poem's syntax into straightforward sentences. The exercise was actually quite interesting, (and difficult!) so I thought I'd share it with you. It seemed to me that the exercise highlighted some spots where your meaning and intentions are still unclear.Hi leah,
I still like the phrase, "pour belief into the analgesic pot" the best.
(02-21-2015, 08:45 PM)tectak Wrote: With ageing sinews strained by days, hard stretched and sprained beyond repair, N, who has ageing, worn-out sinews, unexpectedly finds himself praying
out from the scream of Munch's night, comes forth the unexpected prayer. (in the night) in between silent screams.
That god might slip into the gap between a life of constant pain (the fact) that 'god' might be present in the short moment between constant pain
and moments only salved by sleep (and even that, a dreamer's bane), and sleep (at least until N's wakened by a nightmare)
is not enough to pour belief into the analgesic pot. (but the possibility that god might be present in that short moment) is not enough to make N believe.
Each twinge that twists is small distress. What hurts us more than faith is not small pains cause minor cramps (in N's faith?) (but) N's faith does not hurt as much
the forlorn hope that by our prayers, the agonised will be relieved (neither does the hope that praying will relieve the world's pain)
but that at best, by grimaced grace, we by forgiveness are reprieved. (syntax alert!) ('but it (faith) doesn't hurt as much') as the fact that the best we can expect is to be reprieved because we have been forgiven by virtue of our grimaced grace.
Forgiven for the withered claw, the shake that marks us in a crowd, (incomplete sentence) (who is?) forgiven/reprieved (by grimaced grace) for our various deformities,
the crooked spine, the humped-up back,the coprolalic curse out loud. infirmities, and profane verbal tics.
Some claim a deity above who will, once called, make sick souls well; some believe god performs healing miracles;
distrust though those, the pious few, who love their god then kiss and tell. but (N recommends that) you should distrust the pious few who 'love' their god, then tell the world that god fell for their seduction.
Create your lord and tailor him, into a myth that all can see; (N snarkily says,) ('go ahead',) create a made-up god that is exactly what you want, and then show him off.
for OMG is sinful pride...you made him yours, make one for me. because saying 'Oh, My God' (or maybe just typing OMG) is wrong and stuck-up.... (but still,) you made a god for you, so N demands you make one for him too.
tectak
2013
Just two things...I think you are still commenting in the pre edited versionThere is an edited version posted and you are credited. Next, I am not sure that the point of OMG is being made for you. OMG is a common usage abbreviation much overused by the phone-atic young...and some not so young! See the comments in the edited version.
Thank you for all your work on this one,
best,
Tom
I know about OMG, hence my comment: "(or maybe just typing OMG)." It still seems to me quite appropriate to read the plain sense of the phrase: "for OMG is sinful pride.." and try to figure out the significance of OMG in your poem. Anyway, sorry about the gaffe.



There is an edited version posted and you are credited. Next, I am not sure that the point of OMG is being made for you. OMG is a common usage abbreviation much overused by the phone-atic young...and some not so young! See the comments in the edited version.