Black Bear

[tectak]

Revision (thank you Tiger and Brownlie)



Curled into this narrow space OK. She is hibernating and she is bear. I got "bear" from the title and the hibernating from "curled into" and significantly "narrow space". All is clear. She is in her tiny, enclosed, windproof, snowproof den. It must be cold enough to induce and maintain hibernation but not so cold that she would freeze to death. I have got the scene...
she aches from the bite of winter. This clinches my reading...oh,joy! Three clear lines.
Constricted in  cavernous space Wha..?...Whoa?...Whi..? We now switch to a metaphorical creature who's bones in the "cavernous space" of her body envelope still protrude. Sorry, heart, I love you but not this sentence.
bones protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt Phew! Meanwhile, back in the narrow space we have a scene of loving domesticity...albeit somewhat, er, inert. Good imagery nonetheless. No nits. The "pelt" is usually reserved for removed skin, but I do not know why. It troubles me but not a lot
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above denizens awaiting Methinks a comma after above, surely? hovering above denizens loses sense rapidly...I am not even sure about denizens.
 rebirth of the earth. This is such a commonplace descriptor that it is beyond cliche.You may get away with it on the grounds of natural selection!

The gesture of robins, Wouldn't it be great if the collective noun for robins is "a gesture"...but it isn't
a rustling of deer,
the run off of melting snow
 down grassy hills. This not a sentence, it mixes definites and indefinites in a very awkward way, and it is guilty of language abuse. What ABOUT the gesture of robins? You do not say. Are we talking noisome intrusions? It is muddled.

Inertia still aches in her ribs. This I like though you use ache again. Try " Inertia still grips fast her ribs" to imply the commonly accepted result  of "inertia". It does not ache, it holds.
Shivering dormancy they awake "Shivering off" or YOU have become Robin "Shivering Dormancy, Batman! KPOW!
 to spring where there is breathing room.
Hi heart,
Good to see you posting...you have been dormant for some time. Overall, I could go with this because it has huge potential for developing all the poetic ethos I know you can muster. Clarity is taking second place to wordiness. My only advice would be to hang on to the good (concept, imagery, metaphor) and ditch the advanced semantics.
Very Best,
tectak

Original

Curled in this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter.
She has grown narrow and bones
protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt,
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer,
the run off of melting snow down green hills.
Inertia still aches in her ribs.
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring
where there is room to breathe.