03-01-2015, 12:43 AM
Much improvement! I particularly like 'the tender sore from her thorn'. I don't think you need the square around the first stanza. Note correct spelling of 'fluorescent.'
Nice segue from colors to songs to feelings; it makes better sense now.
I think the last line of S1 still needs more work. You are making an extended metaphor from a cliché, (coloring in the lines = conformity) so it will really have to pack a punch. Your other option would be to slip past it quickly and not carry it through to the next line. You might want to come up with another image expressive of passive compliance or enforced conformity to end the first stanza, and while you're at it, make it as good as the revision of S2. Carry on. Leah.
Nice segue from colors to songs to feelings; it makes better sense now.
I think the last line of S1 still needs more work. You are making an extended metaphor from a cliché, (coloring in the lines = conformity) so it will really have to pack a punch. Your other option would be to slip past it quickly and not carry it through to the next line. You might want to come up with another image expressive of passive compliance or enforced conformity to end the first stanza, and while you're at it, make it as good as the revision of S2. Carry on. Leah.