There's this girl I'd like to write about

[shemthepenman]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about

her bosom for a few moments, - The line spacing is questionable. It makes it look a bit too light. On the other hand it does kind of reflect the emptiness of these kind of 'relationships'. Also, I don't like the 'for a few moments'. The phrase doesn't sit well logically, and is too long, I think 'for a while' sounds better.

because I can't stop thinking about

how many hooks she fiddles with

in the morning. How her cups - I rarely find enjambment amusing, but this was great.

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun? - these for lines are really good. simple images, simply stated. beautiful.

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest? - 'chest' is a bit weak. I like the ending, though. But maybe something a with a bit more punch. I am not saying go all out x-rated, but maybe something a bit cheeky.

I really like this. I had seen the title in the side bar for a while and had avoided it because how many 'there's this girl...' poems can one read before becoming jaded. Thankfully, this isn't really one of those poems, or at least subverts it a little bit. In which case, I would consider giving it a better title. the subject isn't fantastically original, but it is so well done that it hardly matters.

with regards to it being sexist or whatnot, of course it isn't. I find it funny how men seem to have a very different idea of what sexism is than women. I mean, men are quite literal and think sexism has something to do with sexuality (always thinking with their cocks even when they are trying to be right-on), and not, say, equal pay? (you see, now that's sexist)  The quiet sexual thoughts men and, indeed, women have in the comfort of their own imaginations is not sexist (unless those thoughts are sexist, in which case it is). And to be fair, on the scale of male sexual fantasy, this poem gives a glimps at the more softcore/romatic comedy end of the spectrum.