There's this girl I'd like to write about

[billy]

i read the feedback as it comming of as a bit male chauvenistic and to some extent i agree, i agree but i don't think you should change it. it feels light hearted and whimsical about a large (i'm presuming) pair of boobs (tits) from someone in the poem who like a biggish pair of knockers. that you wrote the poem without discernible cliche [apart from someone having their big tits fancied] i think you did a pretty good job of getting across a feeling [albeit a base feeling] of lust without being out and out filthy. [bot that i don't like a bit of filth]. i do wonder what it would be like with a fixed meter, but it works okay without one. may a word or two could be omitted but i like it almost as is. thanks for the read. [not sure the line spacing helps though unusually it didn't interfere with my reading the piece.]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about should it be a semi colon after girl?

her bosom for a few moments,


because I can't stop thinking about is [because] needed?

how many hooks she fiddles with i like the enjambment you're clearly aiming at.

in the morning. How her cups

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun? a really solid extended image so far, there's a real feel of a specific period the reader can find. (specific to the reader) which makes the poem almost personal to them

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest?