There's this girl I'd like to write about

[hopefularahant]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about

her bosom, for a few moments,

because I can't stop thinking about

how many hooks she fiddles with<<the hooks she fiddles with

in the morning. How her cups

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun?<<wording seems a little funny

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,.

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest?

Aside from the suggestions i made, i was pleasantly surprised by this poem,as the title prepared me for something totally different.  Some of the line breaks near the begginning seem odd, or like you sort of arbitrarily broke them off for no reason.  And a few of the words seem uneccessary, just some extra weight you can cut.  Other than that, great poem!
And dont worry about being politically correct or coming across chauvinistic. If its how you wanted to write it then its fine.