02-27-2015, 10:17 AM
Definitely agreeing with the comments that it's generally a bit too busy. Less is more as they always say.
I would never disapprove a thesaurus, because I think they're great when a word is on the tip of your tongue and it's ruining your writing momentum by obsessing over it. But it does bleed a bit of thesaurus overuse (which I am at times also guilty of, which is how I recognise it). Some words (such as burrow, previously mentioned) aren't entirely wrong, and I see what you're saying, I just don't think they're the perfect word for it. As though a more natural word was replaced with one that better fit meter or rhyme scheme. I'm not saying that's what you did, just that it feels that way as a responder.
As a musician, I'm reading conflicting ideas of whether or not these words spoken are of musical nature or not. In trying to put myself in the position of the one hearing, I'm not sure if I'm listening to a scathing song or abusive shouting.
"Your words lash at my skin." implies some form of series of impacts, such as someone shouting, whereas at other times it feels more continuous burning, like music without pauses.
Content itself is solid and relatable. Repeated line is solid, also. The whole thing is very 'scorpion and the frog'.
Side note: rayheinrich, that quote is brilliant. I'm going to bear that one in mind myself.
I would never disapprove a thesaurus, because I think they're great when a word is on the tip of your tongue and it's ruining your writing momentum by obsessing over it. But it does bleed a bit of thesaurus overuse (which I am at times also guilty of, which is how I recognise it). Some words (such as burrow, previously mentioned) aren't entirely wrong, and I see what you're saying, I just don't think they're the perfect word for it. As though a more natural word was replaced with one that better fit meter or rhyme scheme. I'm not saying that's what you did, just that it feels that way as a responder.
As a musician, I'm reading conflicting ideas of whether or not these words spoken are of musical nature or not. In trying to put myself in the position of the one hearing, I'm not sure if I'm listening to a scathing song or abusive shouting.
"Your words lash at my skin." implies some form of series of impacts, such as someone shouting, whereas at other times it feels more continuous burning, like music without pauses.
Content itself is solid and relatable. Repeated line is solid, also. The whole thing is very 'scorpion and the frog'.
Side note: rayheinrich, that quote is brilliant. I'm going to bear that one in mind myself.