02-27-2015, 08:34 AM
To start, agreeing with a few comments above about the first few lines, though my reasoning would be (outside of that "The spirits who dwell there" would be a great first line) that I felt a form of poignancy was lost with such specific detail as to the location. Maybe you should start so ambiguous with the "there" as suggested, and slowly work in the details, as I'm assuming they're important to you. Visual imagery dominates the poem so perhaps you could use that to clarify the location. Like a weathered sign or perhaps a quick description of the asylum.
As a responder, rather than a writer, one detail lost on me (I'm assuming this is because where I'm from, toll roads are quite the scarcity. Closest one would be about 2.5 hours from here) was the line "where the toll is twenty cents instead of twenty-five". It reads (to me) as though there's some common knowledge I'm missing out on, and jars me on the sentence, since I believe our toll roads here in Aus. are very different.
From line 7 to the end, the imagery is superb, I'll avoid reiterating what previous commenters said line-wise, but I agree with them. The poem does a great job at describing the location and the emotions of those passed fluttering about, and I felt grounded and absorbed in the moment, but then I felt a little lost. Who are these people and why are they here? I'm unsure if the visitor is visiting someone, or if he is just picking up the litter, either out of goodwill or profession. And also, trying to not sound ignorant.. But should the small hill be "snow capped" during an "early summer afternoon"? It's a dramatic change in imagery, and it changes the colours I am imagining. I'm seeing a lot of greys and dull greens originally, but that's not something I would associate with a summer afternoon. In saying that, if the idea is to have that dark cloud of depression over the area, almost ostracised from society due to the area being this forgotten, almost purposefully, piece of scenery, then I feel a single line inserted somewhere to enforce this point would help the reader not dwell on the point, rather wallow alongside these souls and help the whole thing become even more emotive than it already is.
The last 5 lines, however, are perfect.
"From his car
the white crosses
warrant an oblique glance as the road
bends gently to the left
on an early summer afternoon of ripening dreams."
I wouldn't change a thing. It reads great and when spoken aloud works beautifully, and get better with each read. This isn't flattery, though, rather a plea to keep these line if you rewrite or edit the rest.
Great first comment -- thank you! / Admin
As a responder, rather than a writer, one detail lost on me (I'm assuming this is because where I'm from, toll roads are quite the scarcity. Closest one would be about 2.5 hours from here) was the line "where the toll is twenty cents instead of twenty-five". It reads (to me) as though there's some common knowledge I'm missing out on, and jars me on the sentence, since I believe our toll roads here in Aus. are very different.
From line 7 to the end, the imagery is superb, I'll avoid reiterating what previous commenters said line-wise, but I agree with them. The poem does a great job at describing the location and the emotions of those passed fluttering about, and I felt grounded and absorbed in the moment, but then I felt a little lost. Who are these people and why are they here? I'm unsure if the visitor is visiting someone, or if he is just picking up the litter, either out of goodwill or profession. And also, trying to not sound ignorant.. But should the small hill be "snow capped" during an "early summer afternoon"? It's a dramatic change in imagery, and it changes the colours I am imagining. I'm seeing a lot of greys and dull greens originally, but that's not something I would associate with a summer afternoon. In saying that, if the idea is to have that dark cloud of depression over the area, almost ostracised from society due to the area being this forgotten, almost purposefully, piece of scenery, then I feel a single line inserted somewhere to enforce this point would help the reader not dwell on the point, rather wallow alongside these souls and help the whole thing become even more emotive than it already is.
The last 5 lines, however, are perfect.
"From his car
the white crosses
warrant an oblique glance as the road
bends gently to the left
on an early summer afternoon of ripening dreams."
I wouldn't change a thing. It reads great and when spoken aloud works beautifully, and get better with each read. This isn't flattery, though, rather a plea to keep these line if you rewrite or edit the rest.
Great first comment -- thank you! / Admin