02-26-2015, 09:44 AM
From the title I guessed that this was a sappy love poem, so I laughed a little too hard when I started reading. I think your working with gold here. This poem really captures what it's like to be an adolescent boy in love.
The way she drinks coffee... To how badly you want to peak at her chest! Pure Gold.
Aside from things people have already covered, I'd shorten the lusty parts, but amp up their intensity. That would make it feel really punchy and carnal. I disagree with any criticism of this poem being chauvinistic, sophomoric at worst sure. But it's clever and I like it.
The way she drinks coffee... To how badly you want to peak at her chest! Pure Gold.
Aside from things people have already covered, I'd shorten the lusty parts, but amp up their intensity. That would make it feel really punchy and carnal. I disagree with any criticism of this poem being chauvinistic, sophomoric at worst sure. But it's clever and I like it.