02-26-2015, 12:24 AM
Hello, I haven't visited the forum for a long time, so don't take my feedback too seriously, but anyway. Overall, what I appreciate about the poem that it is quite clear what you want to say and you do it, also the combination of the concrete, physical and the abstract (the concept of time...) makes a good contrast.
(02-25-2015, 11:55 PM)kreichert Wrote: Reunion in San Clemente maybe I miss something, but I don't see the significance of the city name. As someone told me some time ago on this forum, handle proper names like uranium - very carefully. I don't want to impose myself on you, but simple Reunion would work for me - or make some specific reference to the city in the body of the poem. Wiki says the city is famous for its views, which could go in line with some stuff of the poem, clouds for example.
Her touch reverberated across his shoulders the line is good in the respect that it doesn't leave "her touch" alone, which would make it too cliché, but I see the problem of its being to long, when compared to the remaininig lines.
and the decades melted. agree with ellajam, nice imagery , probably the best line of the poem
A tremulous tracing,
akin to ions nice play with sounds, but as has been already pointed out, akin is kind of "ye olde poetry"
coursing through chambered clouds,
the invisible waxing visible,
a trail of what was
and where. to me personally, this line is too weak - where is just simply semantically too light/empty
Its spark what I see here is the nice paralell between the ion and the spark. maybe consider making the ions only singular - just a suggestion
a party to the present,
as immediate
and urgent as breath. immediate and urgent are too similar, consider leaving immediate out
Thistles.
