Reunion

[kreichert]

Hi, kreichert, welcome to The Pig Pen. I'm enjoying this, some of the alliteration is a bit less than graceful but it is clear and lovely in spots. milo taught me here about avoiding consonant slide alliteration, where the first two letters of adjacent words have the same sound. While tremulous tracing doesn't bother me personally shirted shoulder does not have an appealing sound. Just something for you to think about and decide on your own what you prefer. Here are some notes.

Reunion in San Clemente

Her touch reverberated across his shirted shoulder I'd prefer this line without shirted, I don't think shoulder implies nakedness. And you might want to think about either "across his shoulders" or "through his shoulder".
and the decades melted. Very clear and identifiable.
A tremulous tracing,
akin to ions Akin is an odd word to chose but I like it with ions.
coursing through chambered clouds,
the invisible waxing visible, I like this line, it made me think and is fun to say.
a trail of what was, I'm unsure about the comma.
and where.
Its spark,
though fleeting, You may want to lose this line, the spark already says fleeting for me.
a party to the present,
as immediate
as breath and as urgent. You might consider "and urgent as breath."

Just some points to think about.

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time. I had never considered the slide alliteration. Below is a revised copy taking your comments into consideration.

Reunion in San Clemente

Her touch reverberated across his shoulders
and the decades melted.
A tremulous tracing,
akin to ions
coursing through chambered clouds,
the invisible waxing visible,
a trail of what was
and where.
Its spark,
a party to the present,
as immediate
and urgent as breath.