02-24-2015, 09:51 AM
(02-24-2015, 05:00 AM)indarican Wrote: Your words lash at my skin. Can words lash skin?While reading this, I struggled a bit, to picture words/ sound/ lyrics causing physical pain. At one point an image came into my mind of alphabet letters flinging themselves off a fridge. Perhaps this is because you're assuming the reader is making connections that are clear in your mind, but don't exist (yet), in the poem.
Red, pulsing and raw is my wound,
as the damage burrows further within. -Not sure that damage can burrow? Sorry, this line made me think of a hamster.
Your scorching poison coats and expands quickly around. - -around what?
You emit a beating so profound -emit a beating? As you mention lyrics/pulse/sound, maybe "emit a beat?"
that I must relinquish my pride to your purse.
You wear a smile so broad as my pleas are crooned.
Please love me less, before it gets any worse! -repeating line is good.[/b]
Tears cascade down my face as you collect your win.
Your prize today is my dignity which has come unbound.
and I can no longer fight for what could have been.
Your lyrics continue to tear and pound,
becoming such an unbearable sound.
The weight on my left hand proves I agreed to this curse.
I cover my ears to stop the pain as my prayers give sound.
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
Unwavering love for you is my only sin
but these foolish feelings can no longer be found
Now all that remains is the pain that I am in.
The words no longer shock or astound. - whose/what words?
And all though they still mar my face with a frown
they have become more of a replayed verse.
I implore every higher being that I believe to be around,
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
Once again I have no option but to fall to the ground
praying that you take heed before I reach that lonely hearse.
My body aches and my eyes go wide as I scream so loud,
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
I think it needs more clarity. If anything I've said is helpful, take it, but if it makes no sense, please ignore!-G.
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