Black Bear

[Leah S.]

Revision (thank you Tiger and Brownlie)


Curled into this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter. cliché.
Constricted in  cavernous space how 'constricted' if it's 'cavernous'? Usual usage describes a vast echoing space.
bones protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts diaphanous means translucent, nearly transparent.
 that hover above denizens awaiting if 'denizens' refers to the bear and her cubs, that isn't very clear.
 rebirth of the earth. cliché. I challenge you to find a novel way to describe spring's awakening.

(About those ghosts -- I was forced to conclude that the ghosts were the gestures, the rustling, and the run-off, but I couldn't quite visualize them. Maybe because they were so diaphanous.)

The gesture of robins, I like "gesture of robins" but it ought to be 'gestures' if it's 'robins.' Else it should be 'a robin.'
a rustling of deer,
the run off of melting snow using 'run-off' is awkward here; I think because you felt the need to define it immediately afterward. Where I live, we just say 'spring run-off' and it isn't necessary to even mention snow.
 down grassy hills.

Inertia still aches in her ribs. this is nice.
Shivering dormancy they awake strange word usage, not sure I like it. How does one shiver a dormancy? Also, I think you need to replace "awake." I struggled with the image of hairy starved ribs rubbing their sleepy little eyes. May I suggest "expand" ?
 to spring where there is breathing room. presumably they are coming out of the den, and that's the reason there is room to breathe. I suggest an adjective before "spring" that indicates spaciousness.

I like this poem, and the revision is definitely improved. Carry on. Leah.

Original

Curled in this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter.
She has grown narrow and bones
protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt,
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer,
the run off of melting snow down green hills.
Inertia still aches in her ribs.
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring
where there is room to breathe.