02-22-2015, 08:28 AM
I haven't read the other critiques so please forgive me if I repeat something.
One good thing you have going for you is your meter, which is nearly perfect. The end rhymes do seem a tad bit forced...and some of your vocabulary is a bit archaic, which is fine if that is what you want.
I would prefer a bit of punctuation, but that is just a personal opinion you can toss if you wish. I personally would also lose the caps of each sentence since that dates the poem, but I can see the influence of Dante you may want to keep, up to you
Overall I like this piece, I personally find the rhythm and style to be effective in your device.
Good work,
mel/bena
One good thing you have going for you is your meter, which is nearly perfect. The end rhymes do seem a tad bit forced...and some of your vocabulary is a bit archaic, which is fine if that is what you want.
I would prefer a bit of punctuation, but that is just a personal opinion you can toss if you wish. I personally would also lose the caps of each sentence since that dates the poem, but I can see the influence of Dante you may want to keep, up to you
Overall I like this piece, I personally find the rhythm and style to be effective in your device.
Good work,
mel/bena