02-22-2015, 07:21 AM
Magnum,
Rhyme can be very difficult. Often we stretch or force a word that "sort of" carries the meaning we wish to express. There are several things I'd like you to think about. You have the knights' "victory cry" before the battle has taken place. You reference "victory cry" yet call it a "forlorn day. " Usually the term "lair" refers to a beast, monster or something evil in nature. I would look for a different word to refer to the horse's stable. The term "sag" also seems a stretch to find a rhyme rather than the best term for the line. You bring the poem full circle from rolling in the fields of clover to trampling them during the battle. I think that is very well done. Keep at it. This has potential and, as I said, rhyme is the most difficult thing to do well.
kr
Rhyme can be very difficult. Often we stretch or force a word that "sort of" carries the meaning we wish to express. There are several things I'd like you to think about. You have the knights' "victory cry" before the battle has taken place. You reference "victory cry" yet call it a "forlorn day. " Usually the term "lair" refers to a beast, monster or something evil in nature. I would look for a different word to refer to the horse's stable. The term "sag" also seems a stretch to find a rhyme rather than the best term for the line. You bring the poem full circle from rolling in the fields of clover to trampling them during the battle. I think that is very well done. Keep at it. This has potential and, as I said, rhyme is the most difficult thing to do well.
kr