passing me by

[tectak]

Hello,
As this is posted in novice I will only point out what you may already know....if that seems unhelpful then I would add one other thing. Check your work thoroughly before posting...of course, for errors like "they're" instead of "their" (L10), but also because readability is important. It is difficult to decide if L1 is, in fact, "Passing me by" or is it the title? The difficulty is compounded by the lack of meter or rhyme...neither of which are necessary but if you insist on capitalising every line-start, a retro and outdated quirk of poetic elitism, then you must have some emphatic way of indicating pauses, emphases and emotion in the piece which are not confused by those purposeless capital letters.
The overall theme of this, then, is the depressing wish to include as many cliched or overused expressions as possible in order to make a familiar problem even more familiar. Depression dissemination, written  in first person, is a rich area for exloring wildly imaginative thoughts. The gravity of depression is not to be skimmed over. If you want to REALLY make deeply profound points they MUST be new...so contrary to what you may be trying to achieve you lighten the piece by the homeliness of familiarity. Get out on a high-wire and feel the fear of falling...

Solemn heart
soul cries
great fight
never to see the sun
endless night
clouded vision
someone to listen
life that is a lie
want to cry
tears of life
nowhere to go

All the above will throw up (no pun intended) reams on a google search. That is NOT to say you have failed permanently, just that you have only succeeded momentarily....you need MORE moments. It is NOT easy to fnd new ways of making the common rare, and with this subject, like Love, it is one of THE most difficult exercises to pull off. If you really want a suggestion, get yourself a metaphor for depression and start with that. Choose something at the limit of your imagination and work your thinking around it without losing sight of it. I could give you ideas (everyone could), but you will have your own...and anyway, mine might be crap.( Just don't use a black dog for your metaphor...Churchill and I have used it already )
best,
tectak

Passing me by
I sit and watch with a solemn heart.
My voice laughs, but my soul cries.
I pretend to be in the great fight
When I already know that I have lost.
Never to see the sun, endless night
Has clouded my vision.
I wonder was there ever a time
That there was someone to listen?
I doubt this strongly,
They’re main concern, themselves.
Never another soul, no patience for me.
Passing me by
I have lived with holy devotion
To the life that is only a lie.
One might wonder, how I,
The one with years of laughter
Can only want to cry.
The truth, my spirit is near over flow
And the tears of my life
Have nowhere left to go.
I will sit and watch as time,
Love, laughter, and friends
Just past me by