Do walls normally close?

[Erthona]

Do walls normally close
while you lay unmoving? (I lie unmoving, do the walls close in?)
Darkness, I lay with my eyes close  (this is not a rhyme, you cannot rhyme a word with itself)
silence screaming into my ears    (In darkness, with ears closed, silence screams in my ears


So much that it hurts.                   (It hurts!)
Wondering if the tears that I want  
to cry will pain me worse.             (I fear the tears I want to cry for relief, fearing it will cause me greater pain,
Then the ghosts of my past.           than the ghost of my past.)

Those skeletons in my closet            (cliche - remove)
have caught up to my fears.              (awkward and somewhat senseless)
It was me, just me that has caused it.  (I was the one who caused  what? Fears? skeletons, ghost? Too nebulas.)
I was a fugitive from my nightmares     (I became a fugitive from my nightmares) 


But finally a sentence has been rendered.  (drop the "but")
Oh so harsh, oh so harsh!                               (melodramatic)
I should have thought before I entered           (Well at least you didn't say "leaped".)
this life, sold my soul, Devil’s advocate             (Is the speaker having trouble speaking? There needs to be a sentence here...somewhere.)                                       

("I should have thought before I entered this life, sold my soul, Devil’s advocate"  ???)





That was the offer, taken, never looked twice.  (What offer? Try a pronoun. Go ahead, it won't hurt you, it's not a pod!)
I live in the purse of strangers.                           (A tight fit no doubt.)
My skin warm, but my heart beats ice.          (You're heart cannot beat ice, unless they are in a contest.)
My touch can burn skin, have one boil.           (No thank you, I had a boil for breakfast.)

Torture I was meant to bestow,                     (Reversed syntax, bad.   I was meant to give pain)
but laughter is all that is rendered.                  (Better use of thesaurus here, "rendered"?)
I bring them oh so high, I stay low                  ( Melodramatic, forced rhyme)
but I must go, have to get home now             

And to those walls closing faster,                       (Is the speaker now addressing the walls?)
faster then ever before.                                     (not a sentence, two dependent clauses)
No sound, piercing silence screams louder          (you have already done this)
I cover my ears, wishing the end.                        (I'm all for terseness, but this is ridiculous. How does one wish the end?)

Wishing the devil to reappear                       (Wishing for the devil to appear and rewrite my sentence and lessen the torture. period)
rewrite my sentence, lessen the torture
I would rather the fire sear
my skin then endure another minute of this    ("...my skin than to endure another minute of this [torment]) period)

He will not for my sentence is unique               (He will not appear in order to rewrite the contract.)  
I have done all his work, lessen his load.            ("and lessened" sill a cliche even though you do not use "lightened")
The giver of sinful pleasure, modern day circus freak    ("I am" - notice the noun -verb pairing? "I am the giver...")
I sparkle in their eyes, vibrantly.                                   (syntax - I vibrantly sparkle...")


They stare in awe as this gypsy hypnotizes.                (Who is "they?")
One smile, one glance at a time.                                   (not a sentence)
The siren in me calls them as the tide rises      (no,no,no,no! Too much like "The woman in me..." cliche, plus it is awkward. period!)
They follow until they crash into the sides of mountains   (Who is they?  "They follow me/ the siren's call/ Obama"  ...mountains Period!)

No, I will stay home, walls engulf my fittings,   (delete "No"   What are fittings? "...home and engulf...")
but I care not for materials.                            (does this have something to do with fittings?)
Silence screaming, but it’s me that has brought these things.  ("Silent screaming" or the silence is screaming in my ...However this is
                                                                                                the second time you have said this  What things?)
The skeleton sits back waiting.                          (That's just silly. Does he cross his legs and fan himself with his hat: tap his foot?)

Anticipating just like a vulture                         (Just like a vulture the shadow(s) engulfs my light.)
The shadows engulf my light.                         (You have used engulf twice, find a different word.)
Hell awaits me, this is for sure.                         ("Hell waits for me, this is certain and I will accept punishment on my knees)"
Punishment I will accept on my knees             

I will give gratitude for the mercy,                   ("I will be grateful for any mercy")
For anything has to be better than this            (as anything must be better than what I am suffering now.")
I will pay for the façade I let everyone see.        (I will pay for the lies I show others; this facade that everyone sees.")
For the fox that lay disguised as a sheep           (This sentence? makes no sense.  "lies" not "lay") (possibly "lamb" instead of "sheep")

I am the modern day magician                           ("the," there is only one? "I am a modern...")
An unbelievable entertainer                                 (pointless line, says nothing)
Fight if you want, I will have your attention          (Fight if you want to, but I will ensnare your attention (or minds).
I dance around, seeing my next victim.                 (The visual on this is just silly)

You smile and clap as I take my stance                   (more explanation is needed. Picture of the visual you are creating,
                                                                              sounds like you are talking to a baby)
 I play with my prey.                                                (I enjoy playing with my victim/mark... "play/prey" cliche)
My words cause a serene sort of trance,(My voice is hypnotic? you lapse into..." Never use "sort of" it either is, isn't or is partially so)
Your end quick and painless                                     (Not my end. I take your life quickly or painlessly, chose.)

Mine slow and disgraceful                                          (The mine is slow and disgraceful?)
I die piece by piece every time I play the game,         (nonsensical)
Pleading with the devil, he laughs, not very helpful     (write a real sentence)
The walls crash down upon me.                                  (No, they don't. The last we saw of the speaker, she was using her
                                                                                  devil power to put people to sleep and then kill them. So what walls?)

Tears finally start there race,
The silence finally audible.
They scream names I cannot erase.                            (Did they also write them on the chalkboard?)
They are imprinted in every fiber of my being  (cliche "every fiber of my being" Plus the way you are using this doesn't make sense)


They are broken because of me, their creed             (Who is, the fibers of your being?)
Is that I am a demon for when they lash out at me,   (eh?) (Oh I see, you're a demon so you don't bleed. Not at all clear)
They cut me deep, but I do not bleed                         ( allusion to Shylock? Outside of that, what is the purpose?)
Maybe it is truth, the words that they leave unspoken.  (Maybe it is cokes they leave undrunk. Has as much meaning)

I cry harder as I realize why the devil won’t renegotiate
It was not a curse, nor a punishment of sorts,
but my own actions that have determined my fate
How ironic is it, that the bringer of laughter is the devil himself.   (How ironic such an obvious conclusion is put forth as an epiphany)

Laugh, you silly animals, laugh, indulge, point as I  (and point as I cry)
cry, as I wonder why, as I try unsuccessfully        (do you mean, "as I wonder why I am unsuccessful in trying to change)
To change, for I do not want to die                    (above you said you did, something about "mercy" that death was better than this)
Darkness and tears no more, just crushing walls and silence. (yep, you've been there done that)

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Part of the failure in this poem, is that the writer fails to show instead of tell. Of course the fact that many of the lines were nonsensical and the that the sentences were often not, also helped in the failure.  See, I can leave that little part out (sentences were often not sentences) because you know what I mean.

The major problem is that the writer seems to suffer what we all suffer in the beginning, which is thinking that the reader knows what the writer knows, so the writer does not need to explain anything and can use a type of short hand with big chunks of information removed. When the writer reads it, it makes perfect sense because the missing parts are being filled in unconsciously. So the writer then reads the lines without the holes in them that the reader sees. Do not worry, there is a fairly simple solution. 
The solution to this (since you probably don't  believe there are holes in the lines. I know I wouldn't.), is to take this poem and put it away for at least a month or so (probably longer the first time, especially if you have a good memory), so that when next you read it, it will be like the reader reading it and what seemed obvious and fine may no longer seem so. If the mind is no longer filling in all the blank spaces, then you should be able to see them. Probably not a lot at first, but as you keep doing this going, improvement will come quickly.

One of the other major problems is that the sentences were often not sentences. I suggest writing the sentences all out in a line so it is easier to tell if they are grammatically and syntactically correct. Some punctuation in the right places would help. The writer seems to have a habit of leaving off the period at the end of the sentence. Simple awareness should be able to remedy this problem.
The most I could tell of this poem is that it seemed a retelling of  "Doctor Faustus", which was a play by Christopher Marlowe, circa 1604. Also retold by many other since then. Certainly well covered ground. Probably the latest retelling is in the movie "Crossroads." Based on the story told about Robert Johnson, that he went down to the crossroads and made a deal with the Devil. He sold his soul for musical ability and became what many consider the greatest bluesman of all time. His influence certainly seemed to back this title up. There were very few of the better guitar players in the British invasion who were not influenced. Such guitarist as Eric Clapton, Keith Richards (The Rolling Stones), and the American Jimi Hendrix. Who in turn influenced many others, but that's just background. I thought it might be helpful.

Anyway, sorry for all this writing, you were just "lucky" to catch me when I did not have anything else to do, so I am afraid you were the victim.

Please understand you are perfectly within your rights to ignore all of this and think I have no idea about what I am saying. Many have thought so. Please do understand one thing, nothing I have said is meant as a personal attack. Everything I have said were things I found in error, or otherwise disruptive to the poem. Had it been anyone else's poem I would have done just as I have done here. If nothing else, maybe you'll get down the distinction between lay/ lie and then/than. Being dyslexic, those have always be a struggle for me.

Actually I've now run out of time and do not have the time to go back and correct any major mistakes in my writing. So there should be plenty of opportunities to correct me where I was wrong. If you wish, have at it


Best,


Dale