02-20-2015, 04:55 PM
If I might chime in one more time, I think you are admirably courageous in trying to stretch boundaries and experiment with very different ideas. I also think you shouldn't let that spoil your work by allowing yourself to become complacent when crafting your poems. Ideally you could present the novel/inventive concept in a well-crafted poem. Poetry is hard work no matter how you go about it, the greatest poets blend original ideas with eloquent language so they create almost an organic unit. At this point your poem has a complex idea coupled with very mediocre poetic craft. If anything your word choices are detracting from the concept you're striving for. To me it's as if you were trying to paint an extremely vibrant and complicated picture with only three or four colors. You have thousands of words at your disposal that can convey practically anything anyone would ever think or imagine.
I don't really want to sound this didactic. You have an interesting idea for this poem (even if I personally don't feel attached to the subject matter) and I think you could rework it into something that really makes the reader think. For now it's sort of something that's intended solely to be a flash in the pan, and as such for most readers it's irrelevant. IF you decide to buckle yourself down and really work at crafting a poem and not simply trying to verbalize your idea in whatever words come to mind, you could make this poem work.
I don't really want to sound this didactic. You have an interesting idea for this poem (even if I personally don't feel attached to the subject matter) and I think you could rework it into something that really makes the reader think. For now it's sort of something that's intended solely to be a flash in the pan, and as such for most readers it's irrelevant. IF you decide to buckle yourself down and really work at crafting a poem and not simply trying to verbalize your idea in whatever words come to mind, you could make this poem work.