02-20-2015, 02:16 PM
Hi!
I really like your mission with this piece and I like a lot of your lines. For example, "My voice laughs, but my soul cries." I think that someone everyone can connect to, even if they have never experienced such profound depression. However, I do agree with that there is a sense of vagueness within this poem. I understand what you're talking about, I am just finding it difficult to connect. Instead of telling me "I pretend to be in the great fight" could you show why or how? I feel that way about the lines "I have lived with holy devotion / To the life that is only a lie." Perhaps you can describe how your persona attempts to mimic or mirror leading a normal life as they have seen others do so and how mentally and physically exhausting that is for someone struggling with depression.
Again, I really enjoy this piece and what it represents I just feel as though you can go deeper with it and make people who don't know what your persona is feeling get a glimpse of that world.
Keep up the good work!
-mongolfiere
I really like your mission with this piece and I like a lot of your lines. For example, "My voice laughs, but my soul cries." I think that someone everyone can connect to, even if they have never experienced such profound depression. However, I do agree with that there is a sense of vagueness within this poem. I understand what you're talking about, I am just finding it difficult to connect. Instead of telling me "I pretend to be in the great fight" could you show why or how? I feel that way about the lines "I have lived with holy devotion / To the life that is only a lie." Perhaps you can describe how your persona attempts to mimic or mirror leading a normal life as they have seen others do so and how mentally and physically exhausting that is for someone struggling with depression.
Again, I really enjoy this piece and what it represents I just feel as though you can go deeper with it and make people who don't know what your persona is feeling get a glimpse of that world.
Keep up the good work!
-mongolfiere