Made of Glass

[Leah S.]

I’m made of glass, Why are you glass?
seen through but never seen,
my pane is clear
and invisible.

I give vision, Glass does not bestow vision. It allows it.
imparted through my naked self,
that light so warm Your syntax equates 'vision' with 'that light so warm'. Did you really mean they were the same?
leaves me cold. Why does it leave you cold? Glass usually warms up in the sun.

I long to be touched,
like when in those days long ago,
a child’s playful finger
placed a smile upon me. What's the analogy? If you are glass, is it really the height of your desire to be aimlessly doodled on? What does the child's finger represent? The smile?

But, such children were scolded, You seem to be trying for an extended metaphor, but without a metaphor.
and I was cleaned,
by chemicals
and frowns.

Though my being is fragile,
I have an unyielding heart,
a portal for two worlds What two worlds?
which I hold wide open.

The east and the west,
heaven and earth,
meet together through me,
my holy privilege. Nice sentiment, but are you lamenting, or celebrating, being glass?

For this I was made, Who or what made you?
a paradox of proverbs, What proverbs? Why paradox?
profound and alone, alas.. Why "alas" except to rhyme fortuitously with "glass" ?
I’m made of glass.


Poet's note: There are some parts of this poem I really don't like, but am feeling a little stuck on how to improve it. I'd love to see if you can spot those points and reveal some better ideas to me. Don't hold back, I love to know my weaknesses. Thank you in advance for your time and thoughtful words.

Okay, you've got a decent notion for a poem here, but you need to choose your extended metaphor, and craft it so that it is consistent, has clarity and significance, and evokes the emotion you intend. Every element in your poem must relate to that single metaphor. Answer the question, "What's my point?" If you Google "extended metaphor in literature" you can find some great examples. I recommend "Mother to Son" by Langston Hughes. Carry on. Leah