02-20-2015, 05:07 AM
In my opinion the juxtaposition of the vulgar implications you're trying to make with the more romantic element of this poem is somewhat nauseating. I can't imagine two more disparate aspects of human love/sexuality and the way you present them hasn't done anything to bridge the gap for me. Perhaps adding to the nauseating quality is the haphazard rhyme scheme that seems to force some couplets (e.g. "And as we seek another road/ I will try harder to unload/ More than I have for you today/ and not to leave and go astray.")
To me this poem seems half-baked and a bit gimmicky. I would focus on one aspect over the other, either it should be a poetic description of fellatio full of plenty of sensuous images or it should be about love. Mixing them only shifts the perspective askew so that "the man" is almost psychopathic in his obsession with proving a point through what seems to be ejaculation.
Maybe I'm reading this the wrong way though.
To me this poem seems half-baked and a bit gimmicky. I would focus on one aspect over the other, either it should be a poetic description of fellatio full of plenty of sensuous images or it should be about love. Mixing them only shifts the perspective askew so that "the man" is almost psychopathic in his obsession with proving a point through what seems to be ejaculation.
Maybe I'm reading this the wrong way though.