Your Window

[ellajam]

Hi again. I think there is a lot here that is very good and I think you would benefit from moving into the Mild critique workshop where people could point out strong and weak points in more detail but first there are a few things I ask you to think about.

First I'd like you to think about the capitalization of each line. Erthona recently posted an excellent explanation on the history of it's usage but I think it may been lost in a deleted thread, I hope you caught it. But regardless, do you think this poem gains from it? Does it aid or hinder the read? It's your poem and your choice but you need to have a reason for what you do. For me, it would be a more effective read without it.

Second is your choice of breaks. A few noticeably weak ones here are for, the, and. The final word of each line holds a lot of weight, I think an edit that considered this would be worthwhile and add to the poem without changing a word.

And is poor/pour a typo? If so, fix it. And the capitalizing of perfect was odd for me.

I particularly like:
"I brew the storm that sends me
Bursting into your room."

You've got a lot of interesting word usage, I hope these comments help.

I stay strong for you;
Fit perfectly into your foundations,
Yet you see right through me.

I block out the rain for you;
Keep you dry for
Fear of your Perfect washing away,
Yet you see right through me.

I shut off the buzzing of the world for you;
Keep the violent verbal bashing of the
Unworthy vermin at your door on mute
For fear of your heart fading to black
And withering to nothingness,
Yet you see right through me.

I let the light poor in on you,
Drenching your body in gold and
Illuminating every feature of
Your beautiful existence,
Yet you see right through me.

I brew the storm that sends me
Bursting into your room.
I lunge at you, reaching out for any
Glimpse of hope for us.
I search your face for any sliver of love.
I lay in pieces at your feet.
Do you see me now?