02-19-2015, 06:59 AM
[quote='belkar' pid='185390' dateline='1424295181']
I got chills from this poem. I would recommend that you break the lines in half along the rhyme pattern to increase readability. Stanza 6 breaks the rhyme pattern as "here" and "despair" doesnt rhyme, so I would rearrange so that it rhymes. The rhyme scheme AA BB CC DD EE FF GG HH II JJ KL KL MN MN OP OP QR QR doesnt fit any scheme that I know of, but I think it could work here. The rhythm changes a lot, I would look at the lines, and try to figure out if you want to have a specific beat like 10-10-10-10 or 7-9-7-9 or something like that. It is a little distracting to have rhymes, but no beat. Very chilling.
It's a small price to pay to have a small mismatch in rhyme. My purpose here it to build suspense and bait one to read to the end to see the outcome. In the big picture, it's the capturing of one's attention. I was not heavily thinking of proper rhyme, but instead of impact after it was read...
I got chills from this poem. I would recommend that you break the lines in half along the rhyme pattern to increase readability. Stanza 6 breaks the rhyme pattern as "here" and "despair" doesnt rhyme, so I would rearrange so that it rhymes. The rhyme scheme AA BB CC DD EE FF GG HH II JJ KL KL MN MN OP OP QR QR doesnt fit any scheme that I know of, but I think it could work here. The rhythm changes a lot, I would look at the lines, and try to figure out if you want to have a specific beat like 10-10-10-10 or 7-9-7-9 or something like that. It is a little distracting to have rhymes, but no beat. Very chilling.
It's a small price to pay to have a small mismatch in rhyme. My purpose here it to build suspense and bait one to read to the end to see the outcome. In the big picture, it's the capturing of one's attention. I was not heavily thinking of proper rhyme, but instead of impact after it was read...