02-18-2015, 10:10 AM
Greetings AB, This may be too much of a critique for one posted in mild, but it just reflects how much I got into it, because the poem has a lot of potential. I like the use of the italicized poem within the poem. However, I have not given it as much scrutiny as the main piece.
Is doldrums part of the first line or just the title? I would bring it more onboard. For example:
on the same line
Dark mornings are not necessarily dank, but dank mornings could be dark in more ways than one. Additionally, you don’t need the double as. Something like:
on the same line. Some may consider your alliteration as overkill.
In one poetry criticism, I read not use precise numbers. It brings the question: Was it really hundreds, are you sure it was not scores? It distracts more than adds. Why not use something in the vein of:
<…the floor planks groan
in ranks> it gives a shaper image and you don’t need the additional filler to maintain the unneeded four line convention.
Your ‘dusty wall’/‘musty pall' sounds a bit forced in the next stanza. Again, it may be the fourline stretching.
I truly thought that ‘crystalline’ sheet was cool until I realized that glass is just the opposite, i.e., it is atually non-crystalline or amorphous material.
I am not certain that ‘drowned by light’ is needed in that last line of the poem proper. What might work is:
<…sickly widow.> ...and then let your 'depthess haunted eyes' go to work for you.
See what you think. All in all, a great start. This was my favorite poem out of those that I read today. Good luck with your next edit and welcome to the site. Cheers/Chris
Is doldrums part of the first line or just the title? I would bring it more onboard. For example:
Dark mornings are not necessarily dank, but dank mornings could be dark in more ways than one. Additionally, you don’t need the double as. Something like:
In one poetry criticism, I read not use precise numbers. It brings the question: Was it really hundreds, are you sure it was not scores? It distracts more than adds. Why not use something in the vein of:
<…the floor planks groan
in ranks> it gives a shaper image and you don’t need the additional filler to maintain the unneeded four line convention.
Your ‘dusty wall’/‘musty pall' sounds a bit forced in the next stanza. Again, it may be the fourline stretching.
I truly thought that ‘crystalline’ sheet was cool until I realized that glass is just the opposite, i.e., it is atually non-crystalline or amorphous material.
I am not certain that ‘drowned by light’ is needed in that last line of the poem proper. What might work is:
<…sickly widow.> ...and then let your 'depthess haunted eyes' go to work for you.
See what you think. All in all, a great start. This was my favorite poem out of those that I read today. Good luck with your next edit and welcome to the site. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris