02-16-2015, 01:13 PM
Not a bad attempt at beat. I note the close similarity to "Howl." I think that if it were lined out like Ginsberg it might make a better poem as long as cadence is attended to. Such a grandiose and hyperbolic poem needs longer lines.
"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by
madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn
looking for an angry fix,"
"Regrowth of lost or destroyed parts or organs.
I watch this regeneration,
scrambling, scraping, tripping in search of what we have lost.
We, are the new lost generation."
I am not quite enamored of this as ray, as it is still a little too imitative of beat. Were the writer able to take this (hopefully) a little farther to the nouveau beat (sorry, couldn't resist the pun), it would be quite an accomplishment indeed. I see you are also a fan of Henry Miller, are you attempting to become a "gangster poet?"
I like the cock ring part, but the recapitulation at the end of the poem is a bit boring.
I think all of the "for" at the beginning of a number of middle lines could be dropped. Repetition rarely benefits a poem and if one excises it the poem most often improves, usually by quite a lot. Having all of those "for" does not enhance the lines and is disruptive to the reading.
I like this line:
"Millions, thousands, hundreds of individuals"
However, I am not sure that reversing the order is necessarily a benefit. It does cause the line to drag which is probably not a good thing as this poem is fairly high energy. At the same time, the following lines seem a bit lazy.
"shining a light on an absence of something
unknown to them."
It would be better to tell the reader what this something is and then tell the reader that the people do not know that what they are searching for is this "thing." Otherwise it is a bait and switch which is especially disruptive as the reader is never informed about what this "thing" is. This effects the readers in a negative way, even if the reader is not consciously aware of it. Such little bumps as this can turn a poem from good to mediocre.
Although there is still grist for the mill, this is in novice so I shall stop.
Dale
"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by
madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn
looking for an angry fix,"
"Regrowth of lost or destroyed parts or organs.
I watch this regeneration,
scrambling, scraping, tripping in search of what we have lost.
We, are the new lost generation."
I am not quite enamored of this as ray, as it is still a little too imitative of beat. Were the writer able to take this (hopefully) a little farther to the nouveau beat (sorry, couldn't resist the pun), it would be quite an accomplishment indeed. I see you are also a fan of Henry Miller, are you attempting to become a "gangster poet?"
I like the cock ring part, but the recapitulation at the end of the poem is a bit boring.
I think all of the "for" at the beginning of a number of middle lines could be dropped. Repetition rarely benefits a poem and if one excises it the poem most often improves, usually by quite a lot. Having all of those "for" does not enhance the lines and is disruptive to the reading.
I like this line:
"Millions, thousands, hundreds of individuals"
However, I am not sure that reversing the order is necessarily a benefit. It does cause the line to drag which is probably not a good thing as this poem is fairly high energy. At the same time, the following lines seem a bit lazy.
"shining a light on an absence of something
unknown to them."
It would be better to tell the reader what this something is and then tell the reader that the people do not know that what they are searching for is this "thing." Otherwise it is a bait and switch which is especially disruptive as the reader is never informed about what this "thing" is. This effects the readers in a negative way, even if the reader is not consciously aware of it. Such little bumps as this can turn a poem from good to mediocre.
Although there is still grist for the mill, this is in novice so I shall stop.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.