02-14-2015, 04:54 AM
Certainly could stand a trim. The long lines break any rhythm that seems to get going.
The second "red" could and should be done away with.
I stole red roses from the neighbor's garden to give to you
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days.
Maybe something like (not a suggestion, just an example - this isn't very rhythmic but it does make the lines more manageable )
From my neighbor's garden,
I stole red roses for you;
you threw the roses away.
Now I am broken.
My neighbor and I
have not spoken
for days.
Dale
The second "red" could and should be done away with.
I stole red roses from the neighbor's garden to give to you
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days.
Maybe something like (not a suggestion, just an example - this isn't very rhythmic but it does make the lines more manageable )
From my neighbor's garden,
I stole red roses for you;
you threw the roses away.
Now I am broken.
My neighbor and I
have not spoken
for days.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.