02-14-2015, 03:36 AM
I like this poem. Personally I can really resonate with what you are saying. I feel like the first line would be more powerful if it was "I am" vs "I'm". Contractions take the power out of lines sometimes. I would re-evaluate what words are just filler and then take them out to flow better. For example line 10, taking out the "when" would read better in my opinion. I would also advice adopting a rhythm scheme. I used to not like using them because I thought that it restricted me too much, but as I continued I found that it forced me to find smaller lines that contained the same ideas, and it improved readability. My favorite stanza is the 6th one. I really like the imagery of the spirits of east and west meeting through you.
Tl;dr I like your poem, but if you are not happy with it, I would recommend you rewrite a little and adopt a rhythm pattern in order to condense your ideas.
Tl;dr I like your poem, but if you are not happy with it, I would recommend you rewrite a little and adopt a rhythm pattern in order to condense your ideas.