02-14-2015, 02:47 AM
To me this sounds too much like a riddle, not that there's anything wrong with writing riddles (and it turns out it's quite challenging to do). The touches of melodrama don't strike me as needed (e.g. "I long to be touched,"), they only make the pane of glass a sort of caricature or stereotype. If I were the one writing this poem I would opt for a much more bleak tone:
I'm made of glass,
a veil of cold, clear crystal,
through which the world
projects.
I see the sunrise.
Leaves turn green then red
and brown again. A family warmly
joined as snow gathers outside.
I'm made of glass.
Through me a world lives
that's more distant than the stars
I watch at night.
I realize this does not capture the same affects you're going for with your poem, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to come up with something a little more minimalist. I think if you were to pare down the poem you have to something like three stanzas you'd have a more lasting effect on the reader. The fewer words we have to read to understand the feeling and image you're conveying the better!
Thank you for critiquing in Serious. For future reference, may I recommend you read this thread on critique and feedback. In particular, we ask that readers:
Experience has shown us that this is the most effective way to critique and assist the writer, especially in Serious Workshopping/ Admin
I'm made of glass,
a veil of cold, clear crystal,
through which the world
projects.
I see the sunrise.
Leaves turn green then red
and brown again. A family warmly
joined as snow gathers outside.
I'm made of glass.
Through me a world lives
that's more distant than the stars
I watch at night.
I realize this does not capture the same affects you're going for with your poem, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to come up with something a little more minimalist. I think if you were to pare down the poem you have to something like three stanzas you'd have a more lasting effect on the reader. The fewer words we have to read to understand the feeling and image you're conveying the better!
Thank you for critiquing in Serious. For future reference, may I recommend you read this thread on critique and feedback. In particular, we ask that readers:
Quote:Remember that this is not your writing. Ask yourself what the author wants to achieve and how best that goal can be met within the existing framework of the piece. Do not attempt to impose your own style on another writer; a good reviewer will in fact impose the writer’s style on him/herself for the duration of the critique.
Experience has shown us that this is the most effective way to critique and assist the writer, especially in Serious Workshopping/ Admin