02-13-2015, 06:14 PM
I think if this poem were written in say the 1950's it would be completely acceptable in terms of its content. I'm afraid I have to side with Brownlie that it comes off as somewhat chauvinistic (I suppose what you wrote in your most recent comment didn't help that perception much either). That isn't to say it is a bad poem by any means, I just doubt that many women - perhaps even the woman you're fawning over in the poem - would be flattered by what you're conveying here.
In terms of the poem logically, I don't think it flows particularly smoothly. We as readers are told you're going to describe a woman's bosom, but we end up hearing more about the fact that you don't know if she drinks coffee or tea and bobby pins. Consider changing the line "her bosom for a few moments,". You could even say "There's this girl, I'd like to write about/ for a few moments" thus making her bosom an aspect of your infatuation and not THE feature of it.
Just a few thoughts from a newcomer.
In terms of the poem logically, I don't think it flows particularly smoothly. We as readers are told you're going to describe a woman's bosom, but we end up hearing more about the fact that you don't know if she drinks coffee or tea and bobby pins. Consider changing the line "her bosom for a few moments,". You could even say "There's this girl, I'd like to write about/ for a few moments" thus making her bosom an aspect of your infatuation and not THE feature of it.
Just a few thoughts from a newcomer.