I Stole For You

[starsman]

I stole red roses from the neighbor's garden to give to you
but you threw all those red roses away.
Now I'm left broken-hearted and my neighbor and I,
we haven't spoken in days.

Hello there,

I like your poem, at least, I like the concept. It is a parable, containing a little nugget of wisdom for us to learn from. Don't go and hurt your friends to make a new one! Your message comes through clearly and is easy to see, understand and appreciate.

However, this is a poetry forum, and I must also consider how I think of this as a poem and not just as a message. I think your strongest point is your line breaks, I especially like the split between lines 3 & 4. However, there is a point in here that I find to be weak: your meter. Now, without going too deep and counting everything, I can tell by the feel that there is something off about lines 1 & 2. Lines 3 & 4 come off nicely, and have a good contrast between the length of 3 and the brevity of 4. Line 1 starts off well, and the alliteration of 'red roses' is quaint, but by the time I got to 'neighbors garden' and finally to 'give to you', it lost its pace.

For a poem as short as this one, the choice of words and pacing is much more crucial. You've left yourself with 4 lines to make your mark on me, so you must really polish those up spectacularly if you want to make a great impression.

Nevertheless, pacing problems and some word choice aside, I still liked this for its story-like content. I look forward to seeing if you find a way to crunch these few words together even better. It's tough to write a short poem, keep at it!

Cheers, S.M.