02-12-2015, 09:57 AM
I have to agree with ella, I too had a hard time following. It had flow issues for me. I 'm just not sure where you are going with this. Your explanation help somewhat, but I think you shouldn't have to explain to the reader, they should know, or have a feeling. I mean it has great lines and lots of pretty words, but I feel like this is 2 different poems put together, or it could be.. IMHO it left me somewhat confused. First you talk about it being goodness, and your a girlscout (innocent?) and then you say it's a destruction. a disaster. After I read it, without explanation, I wasn't sure if they're getting married or if someone was committing murder/ or double suicide. Now I must say you have some great lines that IMHO are beautiful.
my adorations are in such vast numbers that i wish to sail
the seas of admiration to find Poseiden himself and tell him
that things are perfect.
These are only my novice critiques. I am sure if you read it to me, the light bulb would go off. Sometimes I've had people read mine and say these words don't rhyme and I will tell them to go back and read it with a southern drawl. Thanks for sharing and I could see this being a real nice piece.
my adorations are in such vast numbers that i wish to sail
the seas of admiration to find Poseiden himself and tell him
that things are perfect.
These are only my novice critiques. I am sure if you read it to me, the light bulb would go off. Sometimes I've had people read mine and say these words don't rhyme and I will tell them to go back and read it with a southern drawl. Thanks for sharing and I could see this being a real nice piece.