02-11-2015, 08:38 PM
First of all, I like the presentation i like how things look smoothe and read smoothe. I like the poem in general, the line breaks work for me and so does the punctuation i have no complaints here. My only complaint is I feel confused in your message and the content being presented.
10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on
(in the first stanza i feel a sense of longing and hardship over years and how it affected the person who expierenced it. The way its written is direct but it works i like it, im not mad about it and enjoy it what i mean by direct is it gets to the point and doesn't have much fluff it feels like good brevity here.)
Should have seen, suspected
witnessed, prepared
Oh well, What's 10 years?
(Now it continues to drag along about 10 years in this stanza, i don't really get anything new here i just get fluff its missing some kind of content to me. But, i do get more of a longing feeling and some mystery element in this stanza. Which i like. So no complaints so far. Now my mind starts to think that this could be a person expierencing a prison sentence.)
except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go
life I'd almost seen gone
(this 3rd stanza starts to solidify my thoughts on a prison sentence, but I am left confused why it is a stanza by itself and not combined with the 2nd stanza, i feel like they both hold the same meaning and message.)
Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go.
(this 4th stanza starts to give another message i understand the break here and get why it was seperated, now i start to think maybe you broke the other stanzas up for the delay in reading and added suspense / tone of the ryhthem. As for the message i still think some terrible deed was done in the past to create havock but i am unsure and confused if it was a trauma, or a prison sentence.)
Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone
(the last stanza shapes things up, now i am still confused. Prison sentence? Trauama? It could be either. If you like this then i wouldn't change it, but personally when i read i like to know for certain what i want to read about and not be confused on the message and get several meanings from it.)
Personally if this poem is about a crime, maybe hinting what the crime was somewhere in the writing would be useful. Same goes with if its about a trauma. It doesn't have to be alot, it could be something small such as, "the cop pulled me over one day" or "then this happened" (but actually explain what happened slightly)
That is my opinion on this writing and I hope my critique was helpful. This is a very emotionallly profound piece that was fun to read and felt like good brevity.
10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on
(in the first stanza i feel a sense of longing and hardship over years and how it affected the person who expierenced it. The way its written is direct but it works i like it, im not mad about it and enjoy it what i mean by direct is it gets to the point and doesn't have much fluff it feels like good brevity here.)
Should have seen, suspected
witnessed, prepared
Oh well, What's 10 years?
(Now it continues to drag along about 10 years in this stanza, i don't really get anything new here i just get fluff its missing some kind of content to me. But, i do get more of a longing feeling and some mystery element in this stanza. Which i like. So no complaints so far. Now my mind starts to think that this could be a person expierencing a prison sentence.)
except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go
life I'd almost seen gone
(this 3rd stanza starts to solidify my thoughts on a prison sentence, but I am left confused why it is a stanza by itself and not combined with the 2nd stanza, i feel like they both hold the same meaning and message.)
Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go.
(this 4th stanza starts to give another message i understand the break here and get why it was seperated, now i start to think maybe you broke the other stanzas up for the delay in reading and added suspense / tone of the ryhthem. As for the message i still think some terrible deed was done in the past to create havock but i am unsure and confused if it was a trauma, or a prison sentence.)
Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone
(the last stanza shapes things up, now i am still confused. Prison sentence? Trauama? It could be either. If you like this then i wouldn't change it, but personally when i read i like to know for certain what i want to read about and not be confused on the message and get several meanings from it.)
Personally if this poem is about a crime, maybe hinting what the crime was somewhere in the writing would be useful. Same goes with if its about a trauma. It doesn't have to be alot, it could be something small such as, "the cop pulled me over one day" or "then this happened" (but actually explain what happened slightly)
That is my opinion on this writing and I hope my critique was helpful. This is a very emotionallly profound piece that was fun to read and felt like good brevity.