02-11-2015, 05:47 AM
Love the first stanza. Very tight and the tempo and rhyme scheme is spot on. The other stanzas fail to fit the rhyme style however, and even though you may not want to continue to rhyme it takes streghth away because of the contrast from how sharp the first one is. I would consider keeping to the rhyme scheme, because it really knocked my socks off, and it would make the second and third paragraph very powerful. (maybe third line, stanza does something with earthly tints?).
I dont know what you are going for with "we ache cause we do". Are you saying that people know they are destroying the earth? or we are aching even though we dont realize what we are doing? Consider clarifying. Other than that, I thought is was a really good commentary on nature, and its impact on our spirituality.
I dont know what you are going for with "we ache cause we do". Are you saying that people know they are destroying the earth? or we are aching even though we dont realize what we are doing? Consider clarifying. Other than that, I thought is was a really good commentary on nature, and its impact on our spirituality.