02-11-2015, 05:16 AM
L1 - I don’t understand "and short to dread". Is it 10 years too short to dread? recommend clarifying.
Stanza 2 and 4 - The lines have an odd beat here. I would consider having these two stanzas match in tempo. I see maybe 7-5-5?
"I should have seen, suspected
witnessed, and prepared.
Oh well, What's 10 years?
Except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go
life almost seen gone"
L16 - This is in present tense, and the poem ends in past. Consider "Or pretend it went away"
L14 - I really like the change in the meaning of "past". I would have changed it to "passed" but I see what you were going for here.
I found this poem very intriguing, but I found the lack of punctuation and/or the capitalization some what distracting. Really enjoyed it.
Stanza 2 and 4 - The lines have an odd beat here. I would consider having these two stanzas match in tempo. I see maybe 7-5-5?
"I should have seen, suspected
witnessed, and prepared.
Oh well, What's 10 years?
Except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go
life almost seen gone"
L16 - This is in present tense, and the poem ends in past. Consider "Or pretend it went away"
L14 - I really like the change in the meaning of "past". I would have changed it to "passed" but I see what you were going for here.
I found this poem very intriguing, but I found the lack of punctuation and/or the capitalization some what distracting. Really enjoyed it.