02-10-2015, 10:05 AM
"Sparkling foam breaks on gravel clay; Is it gravel or clay?
Pine, a woolen Earth Pine seems more prickly than woolen. See below
Miles of dirt, miles of dirt
Ancient worms translate the day; I don't understand what an ancient worm is, and what translate the day means. This comes up again.
Rock, a frothy Earth How is rock frothy?
Miles of dirt, miles of dirt
Sea caps smirk at birds of prey; I like this line. Good imagery.
Mist, a prickly Earth
Miles of dirt, miles of dirt.
It seems that mist is frothy, or even woolen, whereas pine is prickly. Furthermore, I don't understand where rock or pine or mist is coming from; why is it here instead of in the first stanza? Is there something related to sea caps smirking?
Where songs don't sing but write their way;
Miles of dirt translate the day"
Again with translate the day. What does that mean? Perhaps I am dull. Are you saying there is nothing but miles of dirt - as in a depressing sort of tone? If so, I can see where the poem is trying to go. But there seem to be so many dichotomies/ random disconnected metaphors and similes that the meaning that I am sure is there for you isn't there for me; in short, I don't really know what you're trying to say (and I'm relatively decent at deciphering metaphorical language).
On another note, I enjoyed some of the imagery, particularly the sea caps line. I also like the style in which you have presented this poem; short and sweet, and up for interpretation. Just try to lead the reader on a slightly more obvious path
-BW
Pine, a woolen Earth Pine seems more prickly than woolen. See below
Miles of dirt, miles of dirt
Ancient worms translate the day; I don't understand what an ancient worm is, and what translate the day means. This comes up again.
Rock, a frothy Earth How is rock frothy?
Miles of dirt, miles of dirt
Sea caps smirk at birds of prey; I like this line. Good imagery.
Mist, a prickly Earth
Miles of dirt, miles of dirt.
It seems that mist is frothy, or even woolen, whereas pine is prickly. Furthermore, I don't understand where rock or pine or mist is coming from; why is it here instead of in the first stanza? Is there something related to sea caps smirking?
Where songs don't sing but write their way;
Miles of dirt translate the day"
Again with translate the day. What does that mean? Perhaps I am dull. Are you saying there is nothing but miles of dirt - as in a depressing sort of tone? If so, I can see where the poem is trying to go. But there seem to be so many dichotomies/ random disconnected metaphors and similes that the meaning that I am sure is there for you isn't there for me; in short, I don't really know what you're trying to say (and I'm relatively decent at deciphering metaphorical language).
On another note, I enjoyed some of the imagery, particularly the sea caps line. I also like the style in which you have presented this poem; short and sweet, and up for interpretation. Just try to lead the reader on a slightly more obvious path
-BW