02-09-2015, 08:27 AM
I like the "baked," but instead of "water edge" I think mud would fit better for that is what gets baked. I'm not sure you need "dry." Just "baked mud." It might be possible to incorporate some from line 2 of your original into this line. Something like:
"water laps beaked mud
skimmer breaks mirror
dissolving the landscape"
I think the "the" is needed in the last line as it refers to this landscape you have been talking about, not just some generic landscape that has nothing to do with the rest of the poem. Of course I don't like English haiku, so...
dale
"water laps beaked mud
skimmer breaks mirror
dissolving the landscape"
I think the "the" is needed in the last line as it refers to this landscape you have been talking about, not just some generic landscape that has nothing to do with the rest of the poem. Of course I don't like English haiku, so...
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.