02-06-2015, 09:27 AM
Hmm, it almost seems like a memoir. At times, I find myself confused about the speaker and the person you allude to in your poetry. Are they one in the same? Are you experiencing yourself or are you positing that you and your love have unified and become one after this hallucinatory experience? There is a pleasing and electrifying ambiguity about your poem but I do think it would have been much more stunning in free-form, as I feel the word choice at times seemed to hinder the beauty of the experience you are trying to convey.
"deep, dark eyes pull closer in
the ecstasy of our skin on skin"
The second line cuts shorter than the first which makes the rhyme feel uncomfortable and it sounds a little harsh to the ear when you say it out loud. How about:
"deep, dark eyes pull closer in
the ecstasy of your skin on my skin"
It sounds a little less stressed that way though I am still not too happy about it. Perhaps you should restructure those two lines?
"deep, dark eyes pull closer in
the ecstasy of our skin on skin"
The second line cuts shorter than the first which makes the rhyme feel uncomfortable and it sounds a little harsh to the ear when you say it out loud. How about:
"deep, dark eyes pull closer in
the ecstasy of your skin on my skin"
It sounds a little less stressed that way though I am still not too happy about it. Perhaps you should restructure those two lines?