Rooted (edit 1, billy, chris)

[ellajam]

Edit #1 (billy, chris)

Securely planted, deep in place
foundation pinned to granite ledge,
attached onto the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
foundation pinned to granite ledge.


Original

Securely planted, deep in place
atop a solid granite ledge,
attached into the mountain face
securely planted deep. In place
of freedom, settled in its space,
an eaglet with no urge to fledge,
securely planted, deep in place,
atop a solid granite ledge.

Hi. When I posted earlier, I hadn't seen the first edit. Now looking at the edit, to be honest "foundation pinned to granite ledge", doesn't have the same impact as "atop a solid granite ledge". I think using solid and granite together does work, because as I'm reading the poem, I'm thinking about how the eaglet will be pushed off the ledge by its mother, to teach it to fly; going from solid to empty space, to soft feathers of its mothers back, as she flies underneath to catch it. To underline the solidity of the ledge, highlights the fragility of the eaglet. However deeply it's "settled in its space", it's also going to lose the safety of that place.  I agree with changing "into" to "onto", L3.  Leaving out a comma after mountain face reads like the mountain face is also planted deep. If it's a lost/abandoned eaglet Ill have to start again !! Just some thoughts, anyway..:-) Grace

Grace, thanks so much for your thoughtful read. I'll take your comments with me into the next edit. I often have to backtrack when I've taken something important out, that's why it helps so much when critiques are very specific. Much appreciated.

Also, although the eaglet is mentioned, to me the poem is not about it. It is always interesting to see how different readers interpret the poem.