Two Orphans Meet edit 0.0001chris

[Leah S.]

I like this poem's subject, but it is already somewhat of a cliché. Many movies exploit this theme of the enemy's child as a victim of war, temporarily comforted by the exhausted soldier. Transcend the cliché and make it as poignant as it deserves to be. At least the soldier didn't kill the child in your poem, and live a tortured life afterward.

Yea...I'm a sucker for scrappy endings. There's only so much I can stand of myself in this mode. The cliche is endlessly expressed...like the holocaust. Maybe that should tell me something, but apart from the occasional prod of indignation I steer clear of anything which lets the reader take sides...after all, you could be the baby .
On the semantics, I hear you and will take view.
The blue steel saviour is a crap euphemism  (gun. His gun) in the same vein as the wooden padre or full metal jacket...I heard it from a friend who got out of  Para2 after too long in NI, where even JC had a modified  body...bread? You must be kidding me.
neath will go. Thanks.
Sting of death is a reference fulcrum which I hoped I would get away by the "reminder" suggestion. Sting is the sin, power of sin is law. Is it biblical in origin? Google calls.
Empty night. The calm before the storm. Distant flashes, coming war. Flash in sky appears as slow glow due to multiple explosions. I have witnessed it (Slovenia 1991 from Italian border north of Pulfero)...no noise, it goes overhead due to temperature stratification in  cold nights.
Excellent crit.
Best,
tectak

Hi leah,
I have tried every which way to get rid of "'neath"....I have forgotten why I agreed to do it. Your "murmur" suggestion breaks meter ( it's not just syllable counting, you know ) and that would never do...so on balance it stays.
Very best,
tectak

"When I leave you, make no murmur; 'neath god's eyes lie safe and still."
I don't see why my suggestion breaks the meter. "Sound" carries the accent just as "mur" in "murmur" does, and the "be" in "beneath" is the unaccented syllable.
When I leave you, make no mur   mur; 'neath god's eyes lie safe and still.
When I leave you, make no sound; be   neath god's eyes lie safe and still.
And, in mine, the accent shift is more symmetrical too.