If Love Were Really Blind

[billy]

hi ellz.

on first read, while liking it, i see some excess word use,

instead of the excess word use, create a couple of images. use a couple more similes or metaphors. the first stanza stands out as the best and the first lines starts the poem off well.  

Like paper lanterns in the sky
Shining against the dark of night, the dark of night is cliche but still works
So glow your eyes in the pale moonlight--- your eyes glow; no need of [the] perhaps [under] instead of [in] also a little cliche
Wide and wise and tinged with melancholy. the two and's work in this instance but often a comma would do for of them i like the image of this line. there's an inherent sadness to it.


Your lashes hang low like branches heavy with sweet peaches would a line break after heavy give that small pause to slow the poem/line down a little?
And I reach my fingers out to tug them no need for [and]
As I swim in the pools of those green irises. we can assume you're on about eyes so [the] and [those] aren't really needed

I try to walk away, to disengage from your gaze, you either walk or not, [i walk away]
But I know they will haunt me, ever watching--- a gaze is an [it] not a [they] no need for [but i know] or [ever watching] as haunting says it all [knowing they will haunt me] use [eternally] or other word instead of [ever watching] if you want to
Fixed on and pricking the back of my neck, you've turned so it's a given about the neck, this line feels redundant
But I let them simmer. can this be said in a better way. and again, it [it] not [they]

Their weight burns on my shoulders until I cannot bear it anymore [its weight burns me unbearably] [personally i'm not sure unbearable/y is needed]. shoulder/s is a given, it won't burn burn your feet. while gaze and burn works well enough. weight and burn doesn't, a suggestion would be weight bows me; or some other word that relates to weight.
Then finally, I tremble as I turn to meet them with my own  [i tremble and turn...] no need for then finally
Tear-soaked eyes. [with tear soaked...]

Because I know they know
Without seeing, but rather by groping for the parts of my soul
I keep buried deep in that battle-worn chest that beats
Somewhere just south of my chest.  this whole stanza feels unwarranted and excessive

Because I'm scared of surrender, no need for [because]
And the white flag I would once have waved no need for [once]
Is yellowed and tattered with age and experience. yellowed sort of denotes age and age usually denotes experience, because of that i'd suggest removing [with age and experience]

Because I'm not sure how to---no need for because.
Let go.  for me a single line of [i'm not sure] gives just enough ambiguity for the reader to discern what's implied instead of the drawn out couplet. for me  this is where the poem ends. the next stanza feels excees to requirement.


But most of all
Because I know your eyes
        will peer into mine
              and turn my stony heart into mush
                  and render me helplessly in love.