Two Orphans Meet edit 0.0001chris

[tectak]

Um, yeah.  This one befuddles me, dear tom.  I like the idea of it, but in general you've fallen into the old simple end rhyme game--every single one is predictable.

blood has stained you, flame has burned you---really?  Do I need to get out my cliche hose?
and yet the following words "smoke has raked your infant breath" is one of the most stunning in this piece.  How do I get that Tec to write the rest?

L2 was awkward for me rhythmically, but that could just be me.

Curse me when I still your brothers... but it is war I try to kill. <
something ain't right but I don't know how to fix it without knowing your intentions.

You know I love your writing and I rarely criticize but this one needs some work, dear.  I'm certainly not the person to tell you what it needs though.  

Love ya,
mel.

Hi bena,
thanks for ALL of this. I often write backwards. I have the end before the beginning. A bit like a Columbo mystery. I call it commitment verse to make it acceptable...mostly it works and no one questions me on the principle. Mostly. I cannot, though, be more me than me so WYSIWYG  I have developed an excuse for close-cliche by blaming the character's limited word power...I may be wrong (shut up, he explained) but if it is necessary to clothe a character in cliche to add veracity then so be it. I still hear you.
To still. Acceptable verb in common usage which can mean to render immobile. Is it a stretch to translate this as "to kill", which in itself can mean to  stop, cease or end an action. I liked the contrivance of it but accept it could be over-egged. We shall see.
It's not over...thanks for your input.
Best,
tectak